A little insight on my breakdown.

So what is it like to have a nervous breakdown? I'll tell you one thing! it's not fun!

I guess I should start with how this could happen to a guy like me! "An Ironman" ......Well Ironman or not, guy or girl, man or woman, it doesn't matter who or what you are. The brain is very complicated and sensitive that keeps on running day and night whether you think so or not! and when something is bothering it, it tries to deal with it, and if it can't deal with it, it breaks down. It's no different then any muscle in you body? you work your muscles to the point of exertion until if doesn't work no more. Well this is what has happened to me mentally, my brain has taken all the punishment it can take where I just couldn't turn it off, causing me anxiety and not being able to sleep.

But what brought this on? To start with I was feeding my brain stress with alcohol, covering up what my doctor said is a deep seeded depression. Technically I will admit I'm an alcoholic which my Doctor agrees with, but I didn't drink all the time. I didn't need a drink first thing in the morning, or during the day, I never thought of drinking or of alcohol though the day, but when I got home from work I needed to relax, to turn my mind off and used the alcohol to do this for me to get to sleep.

How much is to much? Well that is relevant to each individual. As for me? it wasn't how much I drank, but how much I consumed to get me to the point to be relaxed enough to get to sleep.

Well, it got out of control and I knew this. I didn't like it as it was effecting my physical being! I was gaining a lot of weight and wasn't feeling good any more, even though I was still training. It became harder and harder to train daily, but I felt I had to train to help maintain and keep my weight down but it wasn't working.

What did I do? ...Well to start with I had to admit I had a problem! and then I finally said enough is enough! so I quit drinking cold turkey!! It's not a big deal! I've done that before. I've quit drinking when I've felt I was over doing it.

The only problem was? I had never been drinking as much as I have drank lately. In my benders before I would drink a few every night and on weekends drink heavy. But this time because of my stresses I was drinking heavy nightly. A bottle of wine followed by 2-3 beer, the next night 6 vodka shots following each with a beer, the next night just vodka and diet grapefruit pop, one of my favorites, and so on... You get the idea.

So now with my deep seeded depression been covered up nicely over the years and with my heavy drinking of late, I quit drinking cold turkey and thought nothing of it! ....

Well, that was the start of when  I lost it! I felt fine, no shakes, I was happy, I had no problems for the first 2 days, everything was going fine. Then on the third day everything was going normal, I went on my daily ritual of training and off to work, then I get home watch some Tv then went to bed. That's when the problems started! I started tossing and turning and I couldn't sleep....... Then it hit me! The anxiety! I jump up and can't breath, my heart is pounding out of my chest and I'm sweating like I just ran a 10 k. I get out of bed and walk around trying to calm myself. I drank some milk, hoping to make me sleepy watch some Tv and when I though I was calm enough I went back to bed only to get more anxiety. I stayed up all night ending up watch tv.

I knew in my mind this is a result of my stopping drinking and I was thinking if I just go down and grab a beer I'll be fine! but I said no! I can't! I have to work though this.

When Morning finally arrived Joanne got up to ready herself for work and came downstairs and asked what I was doing up? I didn't tell her I quit drinking, but said I just couldn't sleep. I layed back in the sofa and tried to relax until it was time for work. I went to work and by the end of my shift I was so tired I figured this is great, when i get home I can finally sleep.

I get home get ready for bed, put my head on my pillow and bam! another anxiety attack! I get up and down, go to the bathroom pee a little, back to bed almost getting to sleep and Bam! another Attack, I get up walk around, watch tv, go pee, I must have peed 20 times that night and just couldn't sleep. when morning arrived again Joanne came down and said why are you up again? I just said I couldn't sleep. I called work to say I wouldn't be in and called my Doctor for an appointment.

When I got to my Doctor I was a total wreck! and he saw this. I told him everything what was going on and told me this will pass and I'm doing the right thing. He told me to take the week off work to relax and he prescribed some pill for me to get to sleep and later that night I finally got to sleep.

I thought the worst was over! Little did I know!! ......The next night I went to bed and it started all over again, more anxiety, I tried to relax and tossed and turned for a few hours and finally gave in and took a pill to help me sleep. This went on the rest of the week, only when it was time to sleep was I getting anxious. I made another doctors appointment to see what the heck is going on with me? as if I didn't know? I knew I was depressed! My doctor said I was well beyond detoxing from alcohol and concurred with me after our long talk that I have a deep seeded depression going on that I covered up with my drinking. My doctor prescribed some anti-depressants for me ( Prozac) and now I'm on my journey back to a healthy mind anxiety free!

I am now 5 weeks alcohol free and plan on staying this way for a long while.



: ) <--Prozac face